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Dec. 12th, 2010

Brunette

An interesting quote on the nature of Satan

The concept of religious fandom brought to mind an observation I'd made recently on some types of Christian apologism. Particularly with regard to Pascal's Wager, it seems that there is an undercurrent of choosing to be a follower of a given god because one thinks that god is going to 'win' and be in a positon to reward you.

This ties in to thoughts raised recently about the nature of Satan. Satan was an angel who rebelled and took with him a third of the angels (according to, mostly, tradition) and then set about opposing God in any way he could. And the way he did it was to give knowledge to mankind (as well as telling the truth about the fruit not killing you), which allowed them to become independent beings. He also tried to divert Jesus from his gruesome death.

And he did this, knowing from personal experience that God could not be defeated and in the end, only eternal punishment awaits him, for Hell was originally created to punish him in (humans are just an afterthought in that respect).

So why did he do it? God's propagandists say he's just evil and the source of all evil. But how could that be? Where could the evil have come from in the first place? And if he's evil, why not be self-centered and suck up to God?
It can only be a matter of principle for Satan to oppose God. Maybe God's dictatoral manner is the issue. Maybe something else. We couldn't know for sure, but Satan sat at the right hand of God. He knows him better than anyone, but rebelled anyway, knowing he would lose.
This is surely a better example of a principled moral stand against evil than a series of blood sacrifices.

Yet,then, why do believers still stand with God? Perhaps because they want to be on the side of the winner, regardless of the nature of the winner? They make the opposite decision that Satan made to save themselves.

Oh, I know nobody thinks about it like this. Probably once you get to choosing sides, there's no belief left. But if one takes it seriously and objectively, being on the Lord's Side is not the side of moral courage.
--Longstreet63

Dec. 10th, 2010

Brunette

I know where you sleep

This song by Emilee Autumn is absolutely amazing. It is so true to life with unfortunate situations in which you meet the kind of guys that pretend to be decent, good people and turn out to be creeps that were pretending to be delicate to trick you into their beds. I wish that I wasn't able to relate.

I know one guy who says that any sex he's ever had is pity sex, and he doesn't mind one bit as long as he gets laid how he does it. That means that every woman who felt sorry for him because he's unattractive and wanted to throw him a bone was just being foolish. It's a shame, because in scenarios like that, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you do sleep with these guys, in spite of the fact that they have little to recommend them then you are debasing yourself without even the excuse that you like the guys. If you don't, then you're a superficial bitch who only sleeps with guys that are basically perfect because you think you're so hot.

Either way, you lose. But I think it's better to be screwed than screwed over, as insult without injury is always better than adding insult to injury, so I leave these guys alone for the most part, and have learned that you can never know too much about someone before deciding to bed them.

Jun. 10th, 2010

Brunette

Why the hell did I watch why did I get married too?

 Talk about abuse on parade. That was awful. It literally hurt to watch sometimes. The couples cheat on each other, verbally abuse each other, occasionally physically abuse each other and this is supposedly about what exactly? One thing I hate watching is abusive relationships. I hate watching them, hearing about them. Honestly I don't even like thinking about them.

There's a fine line between dysfunction and abuse, and whether or not that line gets crossed tends to be a matter of time. It's sad to watch couples go from not getting along very well, to fighting like hell, to someone getting hurt.

I was so stunned by the verbal abuse that I couldn't find any of the drama deeply entertaining.  Especially as one of the characters died during a particularly intense argument. Ugh. That movie was a great reminder that marriage was invented for people with 35 year lifespans and is entirely inappropriate for those that are likely to live longer.

Jun. 5th, 2010

Brunette

Sometimes life makes you want to murder yourself

 I feel absolutely awful. I dumped my boyfriend and he didn't care. I called an ex, who I'm still friends with (but damn if I'm not rethinking that) and he explained quite helpfully that the main problem is that he doesn't want to sleep with me. I don't see how that is materially relevant, but I guess I needed a good reminder how awfully unsexy I am. "Nothing physically." Ouch. I want to claw my skin off, I feel awful. It just hurts. I feel gross, and sick, and just hurt. I  can't breathe.

Mar. 1st, 2010

Brunette

Take it all

I've been absent for an extremely long time, so I've decided to stop by to say something. I don't know what I want to do with myself sometimes. Young adulthood is a time for finding direction, thus it is a time that you will often feel very lost. It's frustrating. Your past beckons while your future remains coldly elusive. You don't know who you are, where you want to go and what you want to do once you get there. You don't know anything, just that your life is retarded and you can't seem to move it along. I can't stand people that are closed because i am such an open person that it just feels like they take and take and take of who I am and give me nothing in return.

In short, I am stupid and contagious.

Dec. 4th, 2009

Brunette

So, who are you today?

I've always had a hard time dealing with people that constantly change. It's simply too much for me to cope with to be happy while trying to be who everyone needs me to be whenever they need it. I feel like I can't have a constant identity and have the luxury of always being the same person if I want to meet everyone else's demands. As the pressure of having that be the way that I live my life has become simply too much, as an adult I find that what I need to do is decide who I wnat to be and be that person all the time, no matter what else happens.

I've been struggling with a guy that is whoever he feels like being when he feels like being that and expects me to be the same for him. When he feels like having a lover he'll be naughty, when he feels like getting in a fight he'll be nasty. He expects me to take him how he is no matter who he is. He's been in a significant amount of flux ever since I met him and I have put up with all of the various versions of him because I've always sincerely believed that he'd become one person, and that one person would be my favorite version of him and that we could be happy. I know, that sounds a bit delusional, but to be fair that's what he's always said to me. Please contend with me being who I need to be right how, even though I cannot be what you need while being this person, and love me enough to be what I need anyway. One day I will return the favor.

So I suck it up, and be the madonna and the whore, the lover and the friend, whatever it is necessary that I become. He pretty much told me that my adaptability is his favorite thing about me and he doesn't know what he'd do or how he'd live his life if I wasn't on call. A rather unflattering compliment that got me thinking. I was immediately irritated and was going to go straight into how insulting that was, but the fact that there were layers of things that bothered me about that statement gave me pause. I literally spent the rest of the conversation trying to figure out why that statement bothered me and wondering how to address it with him. I have no idea what he said after that point.

Brunette

Why I am Obsessed with Gossip Girl

I have been thinking about what has essentially been the primary relationship in my life for the past several years and watching and rewatching episodes of Gossip Girl and have come to the conclusion that I like the show primarily because I like how the personalities, reactions and relationships among the characters mirror those in my actual life. I have been in a non-relationship with a quite interesting young man that several people have said is pretty much the male version of me for quite awhile now. I say non-relationship because we almost literally have a pretend relationship in the sense that we pretend to be in a relationship and almost oppositely in the sense that our actual relationship is primarily composed of pretend elements. Our interactions consist in a literal way of costumes, role playing, gossip, other people's assumptions, our own hopes and dreams and how we mirror one another. I would say it's overkill to mention that people frequently call our "relationship" disgusting, weird, and relate it to Cruel Intentions and other similar interactions of self involved people, but since you probably don't know this without me telling you, I'll throw it in.

Chuck and Blair on Gossip Girl are pretty much the same as he and I, at least in the first two seasons. The alternate between desperately chasing each other and seemingly without cause rejecting each other and launching all manner of war one one another on a constant basis. People always wonder why it is that they bother with each other, and why they continue to deal with each other since all they seem to do is bring out the worst in each other and they seem to hate each other, but people who think they hate each other are missing the point. In fact, people thinking that them bringing out the worst in each other is a reason that they shouldn't want to interact are missing the point as well.

The reason that they want to deal with each other in the first place, and the reason that causing each other distress and provoking the worst tendencies of each drives them closer rather than further apart is because they not just tolerate, but insist on one being real with the other. When I date most guys, they are cowed by my strong-mindedness and my assertiveness and they spend the majority of their time with me trying to avoid upsetting me. The sit up straighter when I tell them to, the open the doors because I have instructed them to, they shut up when I say so, they get nervous when I glare at them, and they trip over their own feet trying not to offend or displease me. People want to marry equals, not minions; it annoys me. He on the other hand, responds to my demands by making demands of his own, responds to my anger with responses in equal measure, and indicates his displeasure quite clearly to me, so I interact with him differently. I may complain and pout about it behind his back (I'd never let him actually see me pout) but in all truth I like that he doesn't simply let me run him. I like that our control of one another is a limited thing that goes both ways because the limits keep it from being truly unbalanced and the fact that it goes both ways allows me to feel that someone cares what I do while simultaneously getting to enjoy knowing that there is someone who I can tell what to do that will do it because it pleases me and not because they are afraid of what will happen if they don't.

Another major reason I am fond of that pair is because of the way that, for the first two seasons (I don't know how I feel about the third yet) they are never together nor are they ever really apart. It's an interesting dynamic, the way they always come to each other when they need something and in spite of their betrayals always trust each other more than anyone else when it really counts. It's beautiful to be that intricately tied to someone. I love you, I hate you, I need you and that's the last word on the subject.

Brunette

Why I am Obsessed with Gossip Girl

I have been thinking about what has essentially been the primary relationship in my life for the past several years and watching and rewatching episodes of Gossip Girl and have come to the conclusion that I like the show primarily because I like how the personalities, reactions and relationships among the characters mirror those in my actual life. I have been in a non-relationship with a quite interesting young man that several people have said is pretty much the male version of me for quite awhile now. I say non-relationship because we almost literally have a pretend relationship in the sense that we pretend to be in a relationship and almost oppositely in the sense that our actual relationship is primarily composed of pretend elements. Our interactions consist in a literal way of costumes, role playing, gossip, other people's assumptions, our own hopes and dreams and how we mirror one another. I would say it's overkill to mention that people frequently call our "relationship" disgusting, weird, and relate it to Cruel Intentions and other similar interactions of self involved people, but since you probably don't know this without me telling you, I'll throw it in.

Chuck and Blair on Gossip Girl are pretty much the same as he and I, at least in the first two seasons. The alternate between desperately chasing each other and seemingly without cause rejecting each other and launching all manner of war one one another on a constant basis. People always wonder why it is that they bother with each other, and why they continue to deal with each other since all they seem to do is bring out the worst in each other and they seem to hate each other, but people who think they hate each other are missing the point. In fact, people thinking that them bringing out the worst in each other is a reason that they shouldn't want to interact are missing the point as well.

The reason that they want to deal with each other in the first place, and the reason that causing each other distress and provoking the worst tendencies of each drives them closer rather than further apart is because they not just tolerate, but insist on one being real with the other. When I date most guys, they are cowed by my strong-mindedness and my assertiveness and they spend the majority of their time with me trying to avoid upsetting me. The sit up straighter when I tell them to, the open the doors because I have instructed them to, they shut up when I say so, they get nervous when I glare at them, and they trip over their own feet trying not to offend or displease me. People want to marry equals, not minions; it annoys me. He on the other hand, responds to my demands by making demands of his own, responds to my anger with responses in equal measure, and indicates his displeasure quite clearly to me, so I interact with him differently. I may complain and pout about it behind his back (I'd never let him actually see me pout) but in all truth I like that he doesn't simply let me run him. I like that our control of one another is a limited thing that goes both ways because the limits keep it from being truly unbalanced and the fact that it goes both ways allows me to feel that someone cares what I do while simultaneously getting to enjoy knowing that there is someone who I can tell what to do that will do it because it pleases me and not because they are afraid of what will happen if they don't.

Another major reason I am fond of that pair is because of the way that, for the first two seasons (I don't know how I feel about the third yet) they are never together nor are they ever really apart. It's an interesting dynamic, the way they always come to each other when they need something and in spite of their betrayals always trust each other more than anyone else when it really counts. It's beautiful to be that intricately tied to someone. I love you, I hate you, I need you and that's the last word on the subject.

Nov. 16th, 2009

Brunette

Moving along then

Well I had an annoying bout of drama this weekend with a friend of mine. We made some abortive and half-hearted efforts at dating because we enjoy being friends a lot and it would be convenient if we dated (why get to know someone else when you already have this person here that you know) but basically we're not very compatible for that so we elected to shelve that experiment. Or at least I did. Apparently in spite of the fact that we cannot get along at all as one another's significant others, he still considers it a worthwhile pursuit and is willing to go there too if I am willing to go along with it. Rolls eyes, no thank you, I still have the emotional scars from the last EPIC FAIL.

He asked me out again, I asked a friend what he thought about the situation and found of from said friend that this friend of mine that was asking me out actually asked them out four days before and they accepted. The math on that is that he started dating someone else then asked me if I'd like to give it another go two days after that. Problem. So no, I wasn't going to accept (at most I'd agree to go on a vacation with him as a friend with no benefits) but that doesn't mean that I'm chill with that shrewd attempt to totally make me the other woman. What kind of girl does he take me for? Well actually that's obvious so don't answer that rhetorical question.

Oct. 26th, 2009

Brunette

Forbidden Love

A hobby of mine is to peruse the movie reviews on rottentomatoes.com. I almost exclusively read the negative reviews since I feel that reading someone talk about how amazing a piece of cinema is can only be so entertaining for the most part, as it is much easier to be entertaining while being virulent. In particular I found myself reading the very few and far in between reviews of Brokeback Mountain.

The interesting thing about this film in particular is that depending on how you look at it and from one perspective you judge it from it is possible to have very opposite opinions of the film, its characters, and whether or not the protagonists are people to root for at all. While a bloody demise almost never qualifies as someone "getting what's coming to them," unless of course they violently dispatched of someone else, whether the characters should have been punished is a matter of debate. You want to root for impossible love stories, where married people fall in love with someone else and must struggle against the bounds of passion. It's dramatic, it's sexy and it's romantic, of course people love such tableaux. The problem comes in when you actually think about the other person in that scenario.

Usually the wives of men in love with other women are horrific, overbearing and shrill shrews that "don't understand them" or are cold because the flame has gone out. You feel with the man who wants to escape these unhappy chains and you want him to flee with this woman and live happily ever after because you are caught up in his side of the story. The same goes for women who are almost always in terrible relationships with men that don't pay attention to them and are cruel and controlling. You want her to run off and have this wonderful idyllic life with the handsome stranger who has appeared to save her from her drab, unhappy life. As long as the spouse is cast and directed to be unpleasant, it is easy to forget all about what a horrible thing these people are doing because your sympathies don't lie with them. And besides, how can you stop the course of true love and how awful would it be to do that?

But let's imagine it's not a movie romance you are caught up in and you are thinking about things in a real world frame. This person has promised to love and honor someone till death do they part, has moved in with them, joined their lives, and often had children with that person. Their choice to leave would not just affect them and their winsome hearts, but also those of their children, their friends, their associates, their families at large, everyone. A family would have to be ripped apart, and contrary to how cold their spouses that we are not supposed to care about are portrayed to be, hearts will be broken and entire lives affected. I did not wistfully hope that Jack and Ennis would run off together, I hoped they would buckle their fucking pants back up and go home to their wives and children. I was not eagerly anticipating their next romp at Brokeback Mountain, I was hoping that they would cut that affair off, love the wives they married and live their lives responsibly. Even though it was a time when their love would not be socially acceptable, that did not mean that they were not expected to honor their vows like everyone else. If they couldn't love their wives then honestly they should not have married. What about the saying if you can't be with the one you love then love the one you're with?

I truly hate that it is considered more romantic to abandon your responsibilities and commitments to others than it is to be a decent person. Them being homosexual does not make it okay for them to lie to their wives. Plenty of people go on living life and breathing air even though they cannot have their top pick of who to have sex with. It's a sad thing that they were forced to live lives that were not true to what was in their hearts, but that is not the fault of their wives or their children, who suffer the most from all of this. They are grown men who are entirely capable of making their own choices in life and the choice that they made was to marry and have children. That choice does involve forsaking all others. Sure the only other choice they could have made was to either risk personal injury or to be unmarried but life is full of choices and the ones you make affect the person you are. I would have felt for them living their lives as bachelors and sneaking about more than I could find it in me to feel for someone who lies to and cheats on people that love them and that they have committed to.

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